feeling blue...

This isn't the first time I have written about being in a fog, a haze or being just blue. You go through life in a blur sometimes and before you know it your 33 (the same age as Jesus, that's what Josiah says) and you have a couple of young children you've been married for 11 years and you are about 25-30lbs heavier than you were when you got married. Hair isn't growing where it should grow & is growing where it shouldn't grow. I have been out of school for more years than I was in school. I am a firm believer that guys have there time of the month, and it gets more pronounced as you get older. I just get down right cranky at least a few days once a month. I feel bloated and have head aches. I think I am approaching a mid-life crisis. For the record, I believe this my second one. I went through this a few years ago. I still have the itch for an Italian sports car. I have found that I have been trying. I work out, on occasions. I have been trying to eat better, on occasions. I take vitamins, on occasions. Trying to find that fountain of youth.

You know, sometimes I think guys get the raw deal. We go through life, we have to be "the Man". The emotional rock. Whenever bad things happen to families, the guy is usually the last person to be thought of. One of the lowest points in my life was when we lost our first baby to a miscarriage. Of course my concern was for my wife, and so was all the people who knew us. I would go places with out her and everyone would ask how she was doing. I appreciated that, the concern for my wife. I really did. It wasn't until a month or so later a friend of ours asked me, "How are you doing?" I was doing pretty crappy to be honest, I second guessed everything. Did I do something that caused it, should she have just taken it easy. I should have never let her carry in the groceries, I kept thinking, did I do this? Not to mention I was sad, really, really sad. I was looking forward to having a child. Would we be able to have anymore? That was the first time someone asked me if I was okay. To be honest I just I gave the stereotypical, "I'm hanging in there." response. I didn't go into all the details. It was just nice to have someone concerned for me. Sorry for being such a downer...that's not really what this is all about...I got side tracked.

I guess the main reason for my entry today is something kind of funny. I have gotten to the stage in my life as long as I am clean & don't smell bad, I am good to go. I spend less and less time on my attire. I have always been told that in my prime, cough, cough, I was a bit preppy. I have since moved away from that look. My appearance has been in a metamorphosis as of late, the only hair I can sort of grow is on my face. We have dressed up as an Amish family for a costume party. The first time I have dressed up in a costume since I was 10. It was fun. I have grown the Amish beard, of which, my sister-in-law has worked into just about every other conversation I have with her. We went to church this past Sunday. I wore a pair of jeans and this blue shirt. Nothing special in my mind. On my way out of church, one of our best friends stopped me in the hall and whispered, "You look very handsome today." I can't tell you the last time someone other than my wife or someone of my mother's or grandmother's generation complimented me on my appearance. It was flattering, cause I wasn't trying to be all that, I just threw on a pair of jeans and a blue shirt. (She did ask my wife's permission first, before she made the comment, I found out later.) You know that made me feel good, a shot of confidence in this old dudes arm. I know I am not as studly as I once was, I'm a realist. It just made me think, how something so simple can make people feel good about themselves.

I also played soccer this past weekend. My sister-in-law begged me. Not indoor, not with little kids, actual grow adults on a full size field for a prolonged period of time. The mind is still in the sport. Coaching the kids helps with that, but the body has long since been passed by the mind. I know it was the first time I played with these people, so I was bound to be off. It seemed like my body was always one step behind. Of course, I think my sister-in-law made me out to be the second coming of Pele, with these people. Thanks a ton. During the second half I got off a shot that I honestly can say ways the prettiest shot on goal I think I have ever had. The ball bent over the goalies head and bent back in the far corner at the top of the goal. It was a miss, just narrowly. Had that went in, I think it would have been my prettiest goal ever...at 33 years old. How 'bout that. I have scored a lot of goals in my lifetime, but this did not happen when I was 13 or 14 or in my prime when I was 18, but at 33. I can muster up just enough to be as good once, as I once was. I think you learn that working hard isn't always the key, thinking harder and working less is best. So I guess some good things do come with age.