When I get where I'm going...

It's 3 AM on Sunday. I can't go back to sleep. I just got the call my Grandfather died. It wasn't a suprise or out of the blue, we were prepared as much as you could be prepared for something like that. My mom told me how it happened, and to me, this maybe the greatest story ever told. I will preface this by saying that my Grandfather has had health problems on and off for the past few years. He has been in and out of the nursing home, and this past week hospice was able to get him home. A few years ago, my Grandmother passed away. Frances was a saint in my life, I loved her so much. That was honestly the hardest thing I have had to face.

The hospice nurse who was taking care of my Grandpa saw him staring off into the right. She told my uncle, he sees somebody. My uncle asked him what he saw. Grandpa answered "Frances." He died right after that. Wow. I can only imagine the joy my Grandpa had in seeing her again. Young and beautiful, perfection. He now gets to spend eternity with the love of his life. I can say that makes me want tow the line. There will come a day when I will get to see them again. Two people of the most influental people in my life. Next time, they won't be frail. My Grandparents will walk along side me, matching me step for step. Then I 'll get to hug them both and tell them how much I missed them.
My only regret about all this is that I wish I would have been there to tell him how much I loved him and to have him give Grandma a big hug, just from me.

feeling blue...

This isn't the first time I have written about being in a fog, a haze or being just blue. You go through life in a blur sometimes and before you know it your 33 (the same age as Jesus, that's what Josiah says) and you have a couple of young children you've been married for 11 years and you are about 25-30lbs heavier than you were when you got married. Hair isn't growing where it should grow & is growing where it shouldn't grow. I have been out of school for more years than I was in school. I am a firm believer that guys have there time of the month, and it gets more pronounced as you get older. I just get down right cranky at least a few days once a month. I feel bloated and have head aches. I think I am approaching a mid-life crisis. For the record, I believe this my second one. I went through this a few years ago. I still have the itch for an Italian sports car. I have found that I have been trying. I work out, on occasions. I have been trying to eat better, on occasions. I take vitamins, on occasions. Trying to find that fountain of youth.

You know, sometimes I think guys get the raw deal. We go through life, we have to be "the Man". The emotional rock. Whenever bad things happen to families, the guy is usually the last person to be thought of. One of the lowest points in my life was when we lost our first baby to a miscarriage. Of course my concern was for my wife, and so was all the people who knew us. I would go places with out her and everyone would ask how she was doing. I appreciated that, the concern for my wife. I really did. It wasn't until a month or so later a friend of ours asked me, "How are you doing?" I was doing pretty crappy to be honest, I second guessed everything. Did I do something that caused it, should she have just taken it easy. I should have never let her carry in the groceries, I kept thinking, did I do this? Not to mention I was sad, really, really sad. I was looking forward to having a child. Would we be able to have anymore? That was the first time someone asked me if I was okay. To be honest I just I gave the stereotypical, "I'm hanging in there." response. I didn't go into all the details. It was just nice to have someone concerned for me. Sorry for being such a downer...that's not really what this is all about...I got side tracked.

I guess the main reason for my entry today is something kind of funny. I have gotten to the stage in my life as long as I am clean & don't smell bad, I am good to go. I spend less and less time on my attire. I have always been told that in my prime, cough, cough, I was a bit preppy. I have since moved away from that look. My appearance has been in a metamorphosis as of late, the only hair I can sort of grow is on my face. We have dressed up as an Amish family for a costume party. The first time I have dressed up in a costume since I was 10. It was fun. I have grown the Amish beard, of which, my sister-in-law has worked into just about every other conversation I have with her. We went to church this past Sunday. I wore a pair of jeans and this blue shirt. Nothing special in my mind. On my way out of church, one of our best friends stopped me in the hall and whispered, "You look very handsome today." I can't tell you the last time someone other than my wife or someone of my mother's or grandmother's generation complimented me on my appearance. It was flattering, cause I wasn't trying to be all that, I just threw on a pair of jeans and a blue shirt. (She did ask my wife's permission first, before she made the comment, I found out later.) You know that made me feel good, a shot of confidence in this old dudes arm. I know I am not as studly as I once was, I'm a realist. It just made me think, how something so simple can make people feel good about themselves.

I also played soccer this past weekend. My sister-in-law begged me. Not indoor, not with little kids, actual grow adults on a full size field for a prolonged period of time. The mind is still in the sport. Coaching the kids helps with that, but the body has long since been passed by the mind. I know it was the first time I played with these people, so I was bound to be off. It seemed like my body was always one step behind. Of course, I think my sister-in-law made me out to be the second coming of Pele, with these people. Thanks a ton. During the second half I got off a shot that I honestly can say ways the prettiest shot on goal I think I have ever had. The ball bent over the goalies head and bent back in the far corner at the top of the goal. It was a miss, just narrowly. Had that went in, I think it would have been my prettiest goal ever...at 33 years old. How 'bout that. I have scored a lot of goals in my lifetime, but this did not happen when I was 13 or 14 or in my prime when I was 18, but at 33. I can muster up just enough to be as good once, as I once was. I think you learn that working hard isn't always the key, thinking harder and working less is best. So I guess some good things do come with age.

why in the world do people want to get married...seriously?

I know my title sounds funny, if you know me. I am sure the first time my wife sees the title...I may be in trouble. (A word of advice for all married guys or guys soon to be married, my wife knows I love to sleep on the couch...remote in hand. So for as long as I have been married, I have never been sent to the couch, instead she makes me stay in bed and cuddle. I'm not a cuddly type person. When they are mad at you already know the cookie jar has been put up out of your reach (you know what I mean), so I figure this is a win, win. One way I have out smarted the female species!) Anyways back to my point.
Why do people get married? When you look at the world around you. Why? The way I figure I would be set up pretty nice if I was a single guy, never gotten married. I make my choices, no obligations to anyone else. No kids, which means no crying, nagging, begging or winning. I clean up after myself, no one else to have to clean up after. My house would be spotless and so would my cars, no clutter....wow. Humm. (If you haven't figured it out by now, I am a bit OCD when it comes to some things.) This really isn't for the divorced people or the people that are single, this is really about those of us who are married and have been for a while. I believe that marriage isn't for everyone, neither is sushi, for that matter.

For me, I really don't ask the question for myself, but I ask it for my wife. I know why I am married, I snagged the first one that could put up with me. I didn't let go, she had no choice. I would still be stalking her today if she didn't marry me. I think it is easy for me to answer the question, but I sometimes ask what does she see in me?

I tend to be own worst critic...I am very hard on myself... I get very frustrated with myself... I over analyze the way I play Monopoly or any game for that matter (I suck the life out it)... I am a gracious loser, I am used to losing...I can't stand dust or dirt on anything...I can't stand a dirty car... I do not like lights on... I prefer the dark... I like to sometimes sit in front of the TV, brain dead...I do not like it when people do not dry their feet off when they get out of the shower...I hate finger & toe nails...I hate hair in the drain...Feet creep me out...I have a hyper-sensitive sense of smell...All this and for some reason she still sticks around... Why?

When it comes to that question, all the chick flicks tend to have part of it nailed down. Get your answers from Hollywood, that's what I say. It is about having someone who loves you for you. It is about having someone to talk to, someone to share things with. Not being all alone, Blah, blah, blah... That all has something to do with it, but why would you go through the rut of everyday life for some feelings? Every marriage gets in a rut. Get up, wake up the kids, make breakfast, go to work, clean house,have dinner, put the kids to bed, fall asleep on the couch...do it over again the next day. Why go through it? Just so you don't feel cold at night, or that warm and fuzzy feeling that you get every once and a while.
Everyone, from the rich & famous to the homeless on the street, is pretty insignificant. I know that hurts. The earth would not stop rotating, the sun would not refuse to shine, the moon would not quit glowing, if any one of us were not here tomorrow. It is the truth. The world would go on.
The reason people are married is that we need that other person. That person knows me better than I probably know myself. I exist to the human race, because of them. They are the witness to my life, that I actually spent time on this earth. My wife is my journal, she has had a front row seat to all the good & bad, highs & lows. The fact that someone does care about the good and the bad. God knows why we are here, but it is human nature to feel needed, and it is because of that void we need our spouse. That is why. The warm and fuzzies are just the perks to the job.

Life's list...

You hear it a lot when you are in High School... "Have goals, have dreams. Some of the most accomplished people have made lists of dreams & aspirations, then have methodicaly checked them off through out their lives." We have all heard the stories and I am sure most of have the "list." It may not be written down or posted to your refrigerator, they may just be listed in your head. Many of them, I believe, have to do with accomplishment. Owning a house by my twenty-fifth birthday, married by twenty-six, or retired by fifty. The older I get the shorter my list for accomplishments becomes, sometimes I just want to survive 'til I am fifty. There are certain things I will not be doing, for sure. I will not be making any professional soccer team and I will always be any Indy Car driver trapped in a mini-van. These things are just not going to happen. I have done some things on my list... married my high school sweetheart, spent the night in a lighthouse, visit the beach at least every-other year, owned a few of the cars on "my list of favorites." Things like that.

As you get older your list starts to change, or evolve. The funny thing is it has less & less to do about you or what you want. It has more & more to do about what you would like to accomplish for or with your kids, family or spouse. I guess they call this maturity. There are many memories of special, memorable places that I have been with my wife & kids. When I found out I was going to be a father, after the initial freak out of raising a child, I started thinking about the things and events that we would get to share together. When I found out it was a boy, after the skipping down the street like Gene Kelly in Singin' in the Rain... my mind started to wander off...playing catch, first baseball game, first time driving a go-cart...stuff like that. This was all brought about by the events of October 6th, 2007. Again another date that will be forgotten, but an event I will never forget. This was Josiah's first trip to a College Football game. We have been to many Cincinnati Reds games, a few with Mommy & myself, and a few with it being just the two of us. We have had the father-son baseball experience. This was Big-time. A bar mitzva for a Michigan fan, his first trip to The Big House, Michigan Stadium. Just the two of us, father & son time. As you may know, I am not a tall man, but I was walking pretty tall the five blocks to the Stadium. When I saw his smile when the players ran out, jumped up to touch "the banner" while "Hail to the Victors" was being played by the marching band. I'm pretty sure a tear rolled down my cheek (it may have been sweat, after all it was 90degrees in Ann Arbor in October, but I'm in the moment of the memory). I have been to many games not sure how many, the first time with my wife was pretty cool, but this was awesome. Next time we watch the game on a Saturday afternoon, he can say he has been there...pretty cool. These are the things you dream of as parent, check one off my list.

I watched Spiderman...

"With power comes great responsibility"...a quote from Spiderman - the movie. This isn't some great proverb that was just established by some Hollywood writer in the late 90's or whenever that was...this is something that has been handed down from generations. I have been thinking about this for a while. A beer company just recently had the same idea...MAN LAWS. I love this idea. There should be some form of unwritten, or maybe even written code. Because I don't want to be sued when I make N.Y. Times best sellers list, I have decided to name mine...Man Code. There are different by laws, orders & stages of the Man Code. The one I want to introduce today is the "I Have a Daughter Order" of the Man Code. The "I have a Daughter Order" of which I am a card carrying member, allows you to certain inalienable rights that other Men in the Man Code are not privy to. First off you must have a daughter...duh. Please understand that first off, I am going to be really hard on my son when it comes to dating & relationships. More & likely harder than I will be on my daughter. That's for a later discussion, coming up very soon. As a part of the "Daughter Code," you have the right to inflict bodily harm to another individual insulting a young woman or girl. For example the other day, I was in traffic. Three lanes wide & I was in the middle lane. Off to my left was a motorcycle. It was sharp...I was totally checking out the bike. I want one, it was my favorite color of blue & I was trying to figure out what it was. I noticed off to my left a Dodge pick up truck. He had stopped about 3-4 car lengths back from the car in front of him. Then the guy started yelling across my lane of traffic. All I heard was "Blah, blah, blah, baby...blah, blah." The "baby" thing threw me a bit. I looked to my left. I noticed the blond hair flowing out from under the helmet on the person riding the motorcycle. The dude I thought riding the motorcycle was actually a young girl ( approx. 20-21). This made me furious. Let me preface this by saying, a girl on a motorcycle is pretty cool, but someday that could be my daughter that this overweight, middle aged neanderthal would be "cat calling." So for the sake of that girls dad, Man Code would have allowed me to get out of my car, walk up to that dude and cauliflower his ear. Good old fashioned 1920's bare fisted boxer style punch to the ear. Free of charge, no fear of repercussions on me. All I have to do is show the "I have a daughter card." On a side note...why do guys "cat call"? Has that truly worked for anyone? I have never heard anyone say..."Yep, I was just walking down the street & he was with a bunch of his work buddies & he yelled "Here I am, what are your other two wishes" I knew we were going to be together forever."

This also leads me to another topic of the "Man Code." Men have always been mesmerized by the beauty of women. It has been man's number one down fall. If there is something I can not stand, are guys that stare at pretty women. Not just look at them, but down right ogle them. I find it almost comical to watch. Everyone knows what I'm talking about. The one that stands out in the crowd, even the women are looking. There is a way to appreciate the beauty of the human race, without attaching your eyes to them with Velcro. After all, it is a sin, if you lust! The way I think it should be done is with respect. We have all received the emails, "it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are..." THIS IS THE SCIENCE OF ADMIRING THE OPPOSITE SEX, without being an idiot or more importantly doing it with out lusting. A glance & your imagination puts all the pieces together, no double look, no staring, no dwelling. Just like that. Not only that with this method, everyone is attractive, well almost everyone.
More Man Code to come...

Ella's Imagination...

"Awww..right" is Ella's favorite phrase. I love the way she says it. She has really developed a sense of humor. We have a Michigan football helmet magnet that usually is on our refrigerator, but for some "little" reason has migrated to the front of our dishwasher. The magnet is about 8 inches big. So it is pretty good sized. Ella, my wife & I were in the kitchen. Ella pointed at the magnet and said "Go Michigan." It was cute. She had a squishy ball in her hand. Ella pulled the magnet of the dishwasher with her right hand & held it up to the side of her head (just about a perfect fit) , and with the ball in her left hand, turned to me and said "Ready, catch Daddy." My little football player...